Fear of approaching a woman and how to overcome your fear

The fear of approaching a woman (aka Approach Anxiety), is something that almost all people have. I believe that this fear comes from deep inside our brain, because we live in a society where we are all strangers and generally do not talk easily with someone we do not know.

I am referring a lot to fear of approaching, because it is something that you can’t overcome easily and is this who keep us back and not approaching a girl we like.

In general, we see a lot on TV or in ads. We wee for example attractive men wearing expensive clothes or jewelry, promoting expensive accessories, sending the message that if you do not have any of these, you will not win. Or in movies for example where someone is approaching a women and she might be sworn or to hit him etc.

Of course, this is all imagination. Not applicable. It’s what they want to pass on us as an idea.

Eventually this fear does not exist. Imagine when first driving your car. You was fearing, likely your hand tightened and the wheel, you didn’t look anywhere else, etc. After several attempts, you learned to drive with one hand, talking on mobile, whistling a girl on street, listening music loud, singing etc. So, you learned how to overcome your fear of driving and now you do some things automatically.

I believe that fear of approaching is the same thing. You have to push yourself to begin talking with women. There are a lot of people who can’t overcome this fear, so we have to do with a problem with large extent, a problem that prevents people from being able to do anything they want. This is the reason that many people are trying to get to know women though their social circle or even online, as they are feeling safe.

But what is fear? To defeat your enemy, you need to know more about him. According to the Cambridge International Dictionary of English, fear is «an unpleasant emotion or thought that you have when you are frightened or worried by something dangerous, painful, or bad that is happening or might happen«.

But let’s see more deeply about fear. There is a mechanism in the brain called «Reticular Activating System (RAS)» and one of its actions is to control and filter information at any time. When someone feel, smell, see, hear, etc., all these feelings are transmitted to the RAS and stored there. Or better are filtered first and then are stored. See an example of how this works.

Say a friend of yours, just bought a white car brand «X». When you go to see your friend’s car, immediately the RAS will filter the selected brand and car. So then, when you meet on the street the same car, immediately you will look at it. How suddenly are there so many cars like this on the streets? Don’t worry, there were there and before, but before there was not something that make you feel something, in order your RAS to filter and keep this image.

The RAS is sending data to a part of brain called «Amygdala». The Amygdala has to do with the feelings and how we feel them. It was there and on prehistoric years and is what makes us feeling fear. Amygdala undertakes to notify all other organs associated with, such as the heart, the breath, sweat glands etc. You have been felt tachycardia and to change your breathing, to starting sweating etc, when you just think about something? This is because of Amygdala and is what helps you stay unharmed from something dangerous.

Imagine that RAS is working like your PC. It creates folders and therein sets new data. For example if you throw a stone at a dog and this dog bites you, it would «create» a new folder with the word «dog» in it and inside there, it will save the terror and the pain you felt. So every time you see a dog, it will look in this folder and will «simulate» what you felt.

But here is our problem. We have received from the media that is dangerous to approach a woman and talk to her. Thus, we have created this problem and we feel badly every time we think to approach a girl. And because the subconscious is more powerful than the conscious, at the end takes over the control and you do not approach the girl you like.

When we are kids, we are free from every fear society put inside our brains.

In America, there are pills for many types of phobia. Their job is to block the «path» to the Amygdala so you do not feel any symptoms like palpitations, sweating etc. But this is not a solution. The best approach is to know your fear, so you can fight it and eventually win it.

The best solution for approach anxiety is a series of exercises, which i will add in the future.

[Originally Published on: Aug 27, 2009]